The longest Grift Letter to the locallest Asshole.

My Dear Friend,

COMPLIMENT OF THE SEASON.
This is Mr. Hamza Ibrahim writing to you once again, Hope this mail find y
ou in an excellent condition of health. Thank you for the assistance rendered
to me when i was really in need, it is a thing of joy to inform you that final
ly, I have succeeded in collecting the money at Long last.

I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferre
d under the co-operation of a new partner from London UK. Presently I’m in JAP
AN for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Meanwhile I did
n’t forget you’re past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those
funds that later failed some how, I have compensated you with the sum of USD$
1.5 M One million five hundred thousand United State Dollars.

Now contact My Personal Assistant (PA )( via email ) Name :Mr Austin Owen
,+233 242870426 in Ghana and his email address is w.u.austine1@gmail.com ask h
im to send the to you the sum of USD$1.5 M One million five hundred thousand U
nited State Dollars. which I kept for your compensation for all your past effo
rts and attempts to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at th
at time very much. So feel free and get in touch with him and instruct him whe
re to send the amount to you.

Please do let me know immediately if you receive it so that we can share t
he joy after all the sufferings at that time. I’m very busy here WITH MY STUDI
ES and the investment projects which me and the new partner are having at hand
. I have tried many times to talk to you on phone but you could not respond ,(
is like your phone number is faulty) and I have no time for myself because we
are very busy now. You can still reach me if you need anything.

Mr. Hamza Ibrahim

FROM:Mr Nelson Zuma
ABSA Bank
Absa Building,
C/o Pretorius and Van der Walt Streets,
P.O. Box 3915 Pretoria 0001
Tele:+27 78-4404351

STRICTLY FOR YOU & NEEDS URGENT RESPONSE PLEASE!

I Know For Security Reasons, This Is Not The  Safest Means To Reach You, But Was Left With No Other Viable Option Since There Is The Pressing Need To Reach You. I Am Quite Sure That This Mail Will Surprise You Since I Have Not Been Having Previous Correspondences With You.

My Name is Mr Nelson Zuma .The Bank Manager Of The Above Named Bank.I Have A Good Business Proposition For You Which I Know That,By The Special Grace Of God Will Be Beneficial To You.

Firstly Before I Proceed, I Have To Assure You That This Mail Is Neither Junk,Illusion Nor Mere Imagination,But Practically Achievable If Given Maximum Support And Cooperation.

In June 1999, Mr.Christian Eich A German Engineer Who Ran Carmaker BMW Musuem Here In Southern Africa, He Deposited The Sum Of $8.5million Us Dollars With Our Bank On A Three Year Fixed Deposit Basis. With His Son Mr Michael Eich Registered As The Next Of Kin / Beneficiary To The Account. After The Three Years Expired, Mr.Christian Eich Was Not Seen Nor Heard   Of  Even The Son Who Is The Beneficiary, Nothing Was Heard From Him.So I Decided To Roll It Over. Since Then It Has Been Rolling Over .I Have  Sent Mails,Faxes To His Numbers And Addresses Given Still No Response.I Was Forced To Contact The (BMW) He Has Been Dealing With But Was Surprised To Hear That He And The Son Died In An Auto Crash Just A Year After He Deposited The Money With Us.May His Soul Rest In Peace.

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT THIS SITE BELLOW</ FONT>

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

The South African Law States That,In Cases Like This, The Money Should Be Returned To The Government Account. I Am Seriously Against Returning This Old Mans Sweat To The Govt Account, Because One Of The Officials Will  Steal This Money From The Govt Account, So I have Decided To Divert This Money To My Own Private Use. Already I Have Used My Good Contact To Withdraw This  Money & transfer it to South African Reserve Bank for smooth and successful transfer of the fund.

I Am Writing for You To Assist Me In Safekeeping, Transferring Of This Money As Well As For Investment Purposes. You Are To Take 30% Of The Total Sum For Your Assistance,5% to take care of all the expenses incurred during this transaction, while The Remaining Will Be For my Investment in your Country. On receipt Of Your Acceptance Letter,And A Mutual Agreement Is Reached Between Us,I Will Send To You All The Vital Documents Relevant To This Transaction To Enable You Claim The Money On The conclution of The Transfer In Your Account.

Anticipating Your Urgent And Favourable  Response To This Business Proposition.

Please I am counting on you and get back to me with my private e-mail address for confidentiality and security reasons on nelson.zuma@gmail.com .Please  also include your telephone and fax numbers for easy comunication.

May God bless you.

Best Regards,
Mr. Nelson Zuma.

From:Mr. Harold Kellah.
Bills & Exchange manager
Banque De L’Habitat Au Burkina Faso (BHBF)
burkina-faso west africa .
(Confidential)
I am contacting you in regards to a business transfer of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. though i know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but i am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. we decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.We discovered an abandoned sum of $3.5mUS Dollars (Three Million Five Hundred Hundreds United States Dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family.
Since his death, none of his next-of-kin or relations has come forward to lay claims to this money as the heir. we cannot release the fund from his account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines. upon this discovery, we now seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to the deceased as all documentations will be carefully worked out by us for the funds $3.5m US Dollars to be released in your favour as the beneficiary’s next of kin.It may interest you to note that we have secured from the probate an order of madamus to locate any of deceased beneficiaries. please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business endeavour by furnishing me with the following:
1. Your full names and address.
2. direct telephone and fax numbers.

These requirements will enable us file a letter of claim to the
appropriate departments for necessary approvals in your favour before the transfer can be made. We shall be compensating you with 30%  on final conclusion of this project, while the rest shall be for us.Your share stays with you while the rest shall be for us for investment purposes in your country.If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue advantage of the trust we have bestowed in you, i await your urgent email.

regards,
Mr. Harold Kellah.
Tel: +226 75 26 79 76

Dear Friend,
With a very desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you. I am from(will disclose this later), presently working in Iraq with an international organization that I will also disclose later, I found your contact particulars in an address journal.I am seeking your assistance to evacuate the sum of(US$18.523 Million Dollars) Eighteen Million, five Hundred And Twenty Three Thousand US Dollars to your country or any other safe country of your choice, as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service here,this is no stolen money,and there are no dangers involved.
SOURCE OF MONEY:
Some money in various currencies was discovered concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunitions at a location near one of Saddam,sold palaces during a rescue operation, and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us, this was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? no compensation can make up for the risks we have taken with our lives in this hell hole The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a German contact working here, and his office enjoys some immunity, I was able to get the package out to a safe cation entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real contents of the package,and believes that it belongs to an Asian/American who died in an air raid, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his business associate. I have now found a secured way of getting the package out to a safer country for you to pick up, and!
will discuss this with you .
Your full name:
Your country:
Contact phone number:
Age:
Occupation:
I await your urgent reply
Regards,
Ali Ibrahim
FROM MARIAM ABUBAKAR
IN ABIDJAN COTE D’ IVOIRE WEST AFRICA.
Complement of the year

My dearest one, infact when i saw your profile and notice that you’re a respectful and honest person that i can trust to invest this money in his country for business popurces, i decieded to contact you. I have a proposal for you-this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour against your will.
I am Mariam Fatiu Abubaka , 21years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs. Abukakar Gaza, My father was a highly reputable busnness marchant (a cocoa merchant) who operated in the capital of Ivory coast during his days.It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.Febuary 2006.Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of his who travelled with him at that time.
But Allah knows the truth! My mother died when I was just 4 years old,and since then my father took me so special. Before his death on Febuary 12TH 2006 he called the secretary who accompanied him to the hospital and told him that he has the sum of Six million,United State Dollars.(USD$6000 000) left in one of the private security and trust company He further told me that he deposited the money in my name,and finally issued a written instruction to me whom he said is in possession of all the necessary but legal documents to this consignment and the company.

I am just 21 years old and a university undergraduate and really don’t know what to do.Now I want an a partner overseas where I can transfer this funds. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast.The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. Sir,I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards.Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:-

1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will
be good for you after the money is in your account?
Please,Consider this and get back to me as soon as
possible.

Thank you so much.
My sincere regards,
Mariam Abubakar Gaza.

Dear Child,
May God lead you my child.
My name is Mother Rose Smith,a widow to late Lord Steven Smith, a business merchant here in London,who die after a protracted illness in may 2nd, 2006 ,I am presently undergoing Treatments in Southampton ,England. I have been diagnosed with hydatidiform mole cancer and esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to lack of caring for my health.That was traced to be the source of my barrenness according to the experts. I have only about a few months to live according to this medical experts.
I am looking for someone reliable and trusted that can use my fund worth £7.5
Million pounds,(Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Pounds) with Hoovers Finance LONDON for the less privileges and orphanage homes. Since i can’t survive this illness. Please contact me through this email address immediately with your
Name,
Address
phone number

and the Name of your Church:

Warm Greetings from,
Mother Rose Smith

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–> Greetings and compliments

Dear Friend

I am Patrick Joop , a solicitor at law. I was the personal attorney to Eng. Gilbert M. Reain, a national of your country who used to work with an oil servicing company here in the Netherlands thereof be referred to as my client.

Eng. Gilbert M. Reain, 62 years of age made a fixed deposit of fund valued at USD$12,500,000 (Twelve Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) with a Finance Company here in Europe and unfortunately lost his life in an Egyptian charter plane Boeing 737 which crashed into the Red Sea early on January 3 shortly after taking off from the resort of Sharm el-Sheikh, killing all the 135 passengers and 13 crew members aboard, Ref: (View:
http://english.people.com.cn/200401/04/eng20040104_131791.shtml).He left no clear beneficiary as Next of Kin except some vital documents related to the deposit still in my possession.

Recently, the governing body of the Finance Company contacted me on this matter, requesting that I should notify the next of kin of my late client to claim the funds and I am yet to provide the Next of Kin to lay claims to the Fund. I know that my client had no living next of kin but I went ahead and made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of my late client’s extended relatives but this has proved unsuccessful. Under a clear and legitimate agreement with you, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin, so that my late client’s fund will not be confiscated by the Finance Company.

You and I can share the money, you will be entitled to 40% of the total fund for your role as the relative and next of kin of my late client, 50% for me while 10% is to be marked out for any expenses that will be incurred during the clearance or process of transfer of the fund to your bank account. Be informed that there is no risk involved as all necessary legal documents that will be used to back you up as the legal beneficiary and next of kin of my late client will be procured.

All I require is your sincerity, honesty, co-operation and utmost good faith to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Kindly, get in touch with me by my e-mail (adpatjoop@aim.com) or telephone to enable us discuss further. You may also send your telephone number so that I can call you.
Do not forget that a transaction of this magnitude requires utmost confidentiality and sincerity. I look forward to your urgent response.

Thank you,
Patrick Joop
+31619376065

And send it to:buttylinda@live.com
Been your fiduciary agent

Congratulations from the entire Board of the WESTERN UNION on behalf of our Director Dr.Butty Linda.

Published in: on July 9, 2009 at 8:37 am  Comments (1)  

We work for the ‘Good Company’

Dear Applicant,

We (the Good Company) got your resume and your application for the job as posted on Craigslist Website, Our HR “Managers” have gone through your resume, sorry resume, dang, no French E’s, and due to some certain factors out of our control, you have been picked as one of our possible candidate .

___________
ABOUT US:
___________

Etykrebew Inc is a U.K and U.S. Based Grift and with established leaders in Printing Products such as Ink Catridges, Toner, ink, squids, Purples, Ribbon e.t.c. We are involved in supplying printing materials worldwide and around the world. We serve the entire United States and its indivisibility, a growing giant named Jerxsis, and export market fresh produce efficiently. Once orders are received, bound, resent and sorted we deliver the product to a customer, some times the correct one. After this has been done the customer has to pay for the products but in most cases we make our clients prepay for orders or items they ordered for, because hey, “Fuck us!”. About 90 percent of our customers prefer to pay through , Certified Checks or Money Orders, since the concept of a credit card will not be introduced until the yea 2042. Drawn from the United State and based on the amount involved, we can grift on old farts. Why? Only few decides on other forms of payment. Idiots.
Your primary task for now, as a Payment Personnel of the company is to co-ordinate payments from customers, stick a tight wad of good news up your ass and help us with the payment processing. You are not involved in any sales, unless you are. This cannot affect your current job (if you are working), but if not, it will.
_____________________________
WHAT YOUR NEED TO DO FOR US:
_____________________________

1. Receive payment from our Customers or Clients (stick a tight wad of good news up your ass).
2. Cash Payment at your Bank or any cashing facilities near you, preferably in Sacajawea Dollars .
3. Deduct 10 % which will be your percentage/pay/pal on Payment processed which then you will need to send 15% of that 10% to the above mentioned customers for our “free shipping after the fact” promotion, they will send you 7% back for good merit, keep 82%, send another 5% to their Mothers and the rest of the money is disposed in a timely manner.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay/play to any of the offices you will be contacted to send payment to period You’ll have a lot of fun time doing another job, because this job is part time, you’ll get good income G.I. But this job is very challenging and you should understand it, we took the time not to. We are considering your application because you satisfy our requirements and our eyes and we are sure you will be an earnest p. whirl assistant till we start running our branch office in your state.

NEEDED FOR YOUR APPLICATION.

_________________________________________
APPLY BY FILLING THE INFORMATION BELOW:
_________________________________________

* Full Names_______________
* Address(Not A P.O BOX)__________________
* Apt Number __________________
* City_____________________
* State____________________
* Postal Code_______________
* Phone___________________
* Email___________________
* Age_____________________
* Present Occupation_______________
* Marital Status_____________
* Sex_____________________
* Bank Name_________________

Thanks for your anticipated action. And we hope to hear back from you.
Thanks and best regards.
C.E.O
mmmjjjohnxpress@gmail.com

Please respond to this Ass Hole

-Mr.Chism

Published in: on July 9, 2009 at 8:08 am  Leave a Comment  

the Sun serves a shit sandwich

Today residents of Earth recieved a utility bill from the Sun beginning from our planet’s conception: 4.5 million years (Science) – 830,000,000 days (Almubian) – 950 Montien units (Mormon) -  35 ass kicking years (Billy J.).  The grand total measuring in at over “everything you have” and that failure to pay will result in “Unhappy accidents, menaced trousers and ruined credit” have set hordes of people into protest.  The end game scenario for this band of penny pinching protesters is total inhalation of the Sun. “(explitive) that mother(eplitive) Sun up it’s stupid (explitive) sucking (explitive), Wooooo titties!!” cried out from one of the massed marchers.  Ass for how the Sun will meet it’s doom is still in question, solution ranging from “Get away from me you (explitive)” and “a long range ground to Sun missile” have been tossed around with no clear directive or fesible meens.

-Spooque Dukems

Published in: on April 21, 2009 at 8:25 pm  Leave a Comment  

The wild takes matters into their own hands

crest202b

Published in: on April 3, 2009 at 7:00 am  Leave a Comment  

Bloggity Cox still at large

Dear literate associates,

Enblackened City Name

Another disastrous day unfolded as notorious asshole at large, Bloggity Cox continues to evade authorities.  Local “fatties” are reporting being pelted with protein shake powder and de-panted by this criminal mastermind.  To add insult to injury, the shake powder was described as “dry and if that’s what strawberry tastes like then I’ll suck my own (explitave).”, The prospect of an end to this sensless powdering looms in question as we try to rest in our homes tonight, building strength and courage to face another day of horror and inconvenience. The tears of the youth will melt the poles.

- Jasp Aspers

Try to sleep tonight,

-Mr. Chism

Published in: on March 31, 2009 at 6:05 pm  Leave a Comment  

Emergency Blogentry! Bloggity Cox is on the loose!

Hey there guys,

”      It has just been confirmed that Bloggity Cox has escaped from what some have called an “imaginary” captivity egg that has held him for nearly three weeks.  ‘I can’t believe he finally realized the importance of nothing and the ability to conquer all.  He walked away’  egg builder/thought producer Quence Cracklins said in a press release issued earlier this morning.  Again, Bloggity Cox, long time supporter of the douche bag arts, is on the loose.

- Ghim Døøflanfv     “

With Warmth and Stern Warnings,

-Mr. Chism

Published in: on March 27, 2009 at 9:44 pm  Leave a Comment  

Toot-toot, kill…..

Good Evening Reader,

My name is Mr.Chism and I have made it my quest, nay, my task to find outstanding examples of Assholery through out this great Land Mass of ours. I have “enblackened” the names of the periodicals and regions from wence they came to protect what shred of dignity they might have going for them. In a litigious note I must warn that any one consuming hot or warmer than decently acceptable beverages to leave them staunchly alone while activly reading this column to avoid any unnecessary scalding or pant ruinment.

Enblackened Town Name

“Today marks a new low for the residents of Enblackened Town Name when a truck full of guns collided with another filled with dangerous toys on the City’s High School’s Football Coach’s private field today sparking one of the most unholy unions of warped stuffing and heavy fire power; the collision created intense heat which fused the artillery with the toys and gave them a lust for death which simply cannot be quenched. The first victim of this, what only can be described as an “Army of deranged cuteness” was the City’s High School’s Football Coach’s family and close friends who had gathered together for what they thought was going to be a day of unspeakable fun would turn into a day of unspeakable horror. The Coach was absent from the festivities due to torn right ligament and would have to set out the next three weeks of social events. “Gone. All gone. HIKE!” Coachie remarked to reporters who found him in an impromptu football game that sprang to life on the Coach’s field between the First Response crew and the local attending Clergy.

Local Law Enforcement have been rendered powerless to these troublesome toys by what Police Chief Enblackened Name of innocent who at a press conference held earlier today told reporters “You’re telling me we have toy’s with gun’s running amok and killing everyone in their path? That’s pretty f*cked up. Now I’ll thank you to let me get back to the issue of tax reform and ……enjoy hell suckers I’m out!”. The question still remains as to why semi trucks were driving on a field 10 miles away from the nearest interstate has yet to be resolved. The Citizens of Enblackened Town Name are urged to stay in doors as the undead army of armed childrens play things are moving at an alarming rate and leaving trails of calamity and fluff in their wake. There could be no end in sight, this could be the end of all humanity. If not may I remind my readers that I make a special appearance every Thursday night at “shCity Books” from 7:30 to closing for ongoing signings and Q and A about my recent book: “Troubled minds: the mentally deficient’s love of tricks and pranks”.

-Ptommery Chomners.

Enblackened Periodicle Name

Published in: on March 25, 2009 at 12:51 am  Comments (1)  

What News Awaits?

Tells from ’round the corner to ’round someone elses’ corner for the latest news on tom foolery, jack ninnying and plain old horsing off.  Check back at some time in the future (or in future’s past, could still be the future depending how long you are going and then subtracting).

Published in: on March 23, 2009 at 1:22 am  Leave a Comment  
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